Faint Steps
by simplylaugh
Summary: Can you love? You are stoic, Baek Seung Jo.  There is no way for me to change you.  You must feel it yourself. With or without me.
1. Sun

Oh Ha Ni help me. It's hard for me to be who I want to be. Doing sweet things for you? I can't. No matter how hard I try. I'm always paralyzed. I'm stuck at the last step.

I watch you run away. Don't. Please don't leave me here. I said something wrong again. Why can't my brain ever listen to my heart? I don't ever want to live alone again. Being without you is a thought even scarier than death. Life is empty. Without you, life is dark. And you?

You're my sun.

* * *

Baek Seung Jo. Sometimes, I wonder why we're here where we are. We've both grown up. At least, I feel I have. I know I have. But you, you're still there. You're still stuck in high school, your mouth sewn shut by the void of emotions.

I have hopes. I have expectations. But now, I'm used to not believing in them. How will these things happen, Baek Seung Jo, if all you do is stare at me, shooting out sharp replies with your icy cold heart?

I've done my best, but I can't warm it.

Even a sun's rays aren't endless.


	2. Fear

_"Two years from hope, we find ourselves_

_afraid without reason, desperate in hearts._

_I fear the absence of love "_

_-Entwined_

_._

Oh Ha Ni. Where is your stuff? Why are there only my clothes in the wardrobe?

Don't make me worry like this. Please come out from where you're hiding. It's just a game right? You're hiding behind the couch. You're hiding in Eun-Jo's room.

Why are you so rash? Where have you gone?

Everything feels dizzy. This is what I'm most afraid of.

I am afraid of living without you.

* * *

Baek Seung Jo. I hope you understand now. I want to leave. Not forever. But for a while. Just to see how life will be like. I've lived my entire life around you. Now, I want to know what it feels like to live for me.

Will you come find me? Or will you just leave me by myself again? I wish I could be certain that you will chase me. But I'm not. Will I ever?

Do you really love me, Baek Seung Jo?

I am afraid you can't love.


	3. Find

_"My judgement is clouded_

_veiled in a thick fog of despair_

_and all I want to do is to be saved,_

_ to see you"_

_-Regards_

_._

Oh Ha Ni. Stop right now. Mother is worried. Father is worried. You only left a message with Chris, saying that you are safe.

How am I supposed to know that? How am I supposed to be reassured that wherever you are, you are safe?

You, Oh Ha Ni, and your rash thinking. What kind of trouble are you facing without me? How can I protect you if I can't find you?

I am frantic. I've searched everywhere. The school. Chris's house. Joong Gu's shop. I've searched every crevice and every hole.

I am afraid.

Please stop hiding.

I want to find you.

* * *

Baek Seung Jo. It's scary. I realized it now.

Without you, I feel free. I feel independent. I feel as if there is suddenly something out there for me.

But I feel lost. Who is that? Who is she? Who is he? Where do I go? Why can't I tell?

Everything is cloudy, is hazy. People run around me as I sit and watch. All I can see is you.

I don't want to be like this. I want to be me. I want you to be able to see that I am a person. By myself without you next to me, I want to become a person.

But I can't.

Why doesn't anything seem to make sense without you?

Please find me.


	4. Try

_"Having nowhere else to go _

_He was lonely, she was cold. _

_They've been paralyzed by fearful eyes _

_To try"_

_-Kina_

_._

Oh Ha Ni. There you are. Where have you been? What have you done? Why are you crying again?

I feel as if the tight coil wrapped around my chest has finally been cut. I can breathe again. I'm watching you as you sit on a bench, crying, gripping your luggage with one hand, the other , wiping away your tears.

I'm stuck again. I want to run to you, but I can't. How can I? What do I do now? I want to call mother. To tell her to come get you, so I can go and wait for you to come home.

But that's why we're here, isn't it? Because I can't express this feeling. This feeling of nervousness, worry, and anxiety when you're gone. This feeling of love, elation, and happiness when you're near.

I have to try.

* * *

Baek Seung Jo. You think I can't tell when you're around. But I can. Years of following you and being around you. I know when you're here.

Why won't you come to me? Do I not look pitiful enough, crying by myself, wishing that you were here? I can't do this. It's hard, Baek Seung Jo.

Why won't you come to me? Why do I feel alone with you and without you?

You told me that you are 90% full and all I need to fill is that 10%. I am willing. I am able. But what about me? I am 99% , Baek Seung Jo. You only need to fill 1%. But you can't. It is still empty.

Why won't you try?


	5. Home

_"Years go by and I _

_travel far away, searching for_

_the answer to life that always leads _

_me back to you."_

_-Kodu_

_._

Oh Ha Ni. You raise your head as a glimmer of shock is in your eyes.

Please don't look at me that way.

As if I would never have come for you.

As if you have such little faith in me.

I understand. I know it's hard for you. Harder for you than for me. I am not a genius, Oh Ha Ni.

I know little about love. It is not something that I am familiar with. When you walked into my life, Oh Ha Ni, you introduced my heart to love.

To happiness. To sadness. To joy. To pain.

I haven't learned yet. I am still a child. My heart is still a child. You must teach me, Oh Ha Ni. Teach me to love you.

You are back in my arms again. It feels like heaven. My arms around you. Our hearts beating together.

You are safe. You are not hurt. You are still with me.

Don't leave me.

Let's stay like this forever.

* * *

Baek Seung Jo. You came for me. You are here.

You were not cowardly. You did not run. I am back in your embrace. I am back with you.

This is a big step for both of us, Baek Seung Jo. I have learned what it is like to be without you. It is painful and it is empty.

And you, you have begun to learn how to treat your heart well. How to listen to it and all of its wishes and desires.

What is it telling you now, Baek Seung Jo?

Your scent wafts through my nose as I bury my face deeper into your chest.

Is it telling you the same thing my heart is telling me?

That this is where I belong.

That this is home.


	6. Love

_"Sometimes we find our only_

_deepest desires in our hearts,_

_lost to ourselves_

_within only the faint steps_

_of love."_

_-Kicse_

_._

Oh Ha Ni. We are back home again. You are sitting before me, smiling at me. Never stop smiling. Don't ever stop loving me.

I wouldn't be able to handle it. As hard as I try to hide my emotions, I can never hold them back around you.

I can't stop staring at you. I am afraid that you will disappear again. I had a taste of life without you, Oh Ha Ni. My heart, that had chained its emotions all my life, suddenly burst open. It hurt.

Don't ever scare me like that again. I can be sad. I can be poor. I can be hurt.

But I can never be without you.

I move your hand so that it is resting on my heart.

Can you feel it beating? The rhythm started when you came. And it only thumps to the sound of Oh Ha Ni.

A gentle kiss. Full of passion and my heart's desires.

I love you.

* * *

Baek Seung Jo. I will never leave.

We are who we are. We will be who we are together. I rest my hand on your face. You look haggard. Were you really so worried? The rough stubble scrapes against my hand. You are so handsome. In my eyes, there is not a single moment where you have looked more handsome.

You move my hand onto your heart. I can feel it, Baek Seung Jo. I can feel it.

We don't need words anymore. Your kiss. It is warmth. It is the sunlight.

As I fall back against the covers of our bed, I know.

Our faint steps. Our rings glimmer in the soft moonlight. Together, they are now bound together, much like we are.

I love you.


End file.
